Category Archives: Daver the Raver

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Sunday Funnies

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Here are just a few jokes and one-liners to ponder while watching the Dallas Cowboys take on the Houston Texans on television.

  • The Cowboy offense couldn’t find the end zone with a police escort.
  • Roy Williams couldn’t catch a cold if he was wet and barefoot outside in the wintertime.
  • David Buehler couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat.
  • How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?  Nobody remembers….
  • Why did Jerry put a roof on his new stadium?  So God wouldn’t have to watch the Cowboys play anymore.
  • What do you call the Dallas Cowboys at the Super Bowl?  Spectators!
  • Training at Cowboy stadium was delayed after a player found an unknown white powdery substance on the ground. Training was suspended while police and Homeland Security was called in. Upon analysis, experts determined the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was, in fact, the goal line. Practice will resume this afternoon after officials determined the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

1, 2, 3 Strikes – You’re An Idiot!

The Rangers Ballpark in Arlington opening day ...

Rangers Ballpark


Daver The Raver

Last month I loaded up Mrs. Daver and the DaveSprouts and headed to the big solar oven known as Rangers Ballpark in Arlington for a little first place baseball followed by a nice post-game fireworks show. Little did I know that my blood pressure would go shy-high from tolerating the stupidity of those around me.

My first observation upon arriving on the property was the apparent inability to understand what the little white grid lines on the parking lot are for. I can’t count the number of cars that were on the line or over the line. I even saw one car parked on the nexus of 4 parking spaces, looking exactly like the pics of Bermuda-shorted tourists at the Four Corners posing in such an uncomfortable manner as to have part of their body in four states simultaneously. It seems obvious that the general populace cannot grasp the concept of parking in designated spaces. If I were in charge, and I should be, I would bring back the days of parking lot attendants who guided you to an exact space and monitored your ability to be a good citizen and keep your tires in your own darn space.

When we got to our seats upstairs with the common folk, I was completely amazed at the people who couldn’t understand how to find their seats. Let me clue everybody in to the Ranger’s ultra-secret seating code – the sections are arranged numerically. This seems to be hard for some to grasp, so an example; section 323 is sandwiched between sections 322 and 324, not somewhere in the area of 316 or 330. Got it? Good, because here come the hard part. The first row in the section is row 1. Therefore, if your tickets are in row 5 and there are only 2 rows in front of the seat you choose to drop your keester in, you are in the wrong row. Finally, the seats are arranged numerically in the row. So once again, if your seat is number 4 and there are not 3 seats immediately to your left, you ain’t in the right spot Sparky! It is completely mind-boggling to count the number of people who have to get up and move because they can’t grasp this concept. Especially frustrating is the fact that there are plenty of Ranger employees there to help you locate your spot for the evening. If I had that job, I would probably hurt somebody!

Now for the high blood pressure part! There was this buffoon behind me the entire game who couldn’t identify a baseball in a line-up that included a baseball, a pizza, a Ford, and a high school cheerleader. Unfortunately, he was so loud that EVERYONE in sections 322, 323, and 324 could hear him as he made one ignorant statement after another, and here I was sitting 18 inches from him. I am not sure he had ever seen a baseball game, yet he was providing commentary as if he were Bob Costas. His idea of a good ball player is one with a lot of home runs. At one point, I heard him announcing that Cliff Lee is not a good player, and he didn’t know why they traded for him, because it was late in the season and he hadn’t hit a home run all year. Forget the fact the Cliff is a pitcher, and pitchers don’t bat in the American League. Now, before you get all up in my grill for some alleged intolerance, let me tell you that the guy in front of me had literally never been to a game and was very interested in what was happening as he asked intelligent questions of the fan next to him. Him I like; the other guy, not so much. Apparently the buffoon had never heard the phrase of “better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” I guess he figured he would make sure everyone knew he was a moron. Oh wait, I almost forgot! This guy was older than me, yet he still brought his glove to the game (in case we got any of those frequent upper deck foul balls) and also found it necessary to frequently scream “Swing Batter!” during the course of our 3 hour time together. Seriously? Has this ever worked on anyone older than 6? I submit that it has not. Idiot! Loud idiot!

Finally, what the heck is the deal with the Wave? I have never understood the fascination. Why is it that anytime you get a group of people together in a sports venue, it suddenly becomes a big deal to stand up, yell “Woo!” and then immediately sit back down. I can understand the kids participation, but I didn’t pay my hard-earned money to bond with the dork behind me by sharing this pastime. Sit down and watch the game already! Has anyone else ever noticed that some fool always starts the Wave during a crucial part of the game? I don’t participate and never will! I hate it, hate it, hate it! If I were in charge, and I should be, I would use peer pressure to kill this inane activity. The next time some drunken fool stands up to start the Wave, I would kick him and his entire section out of the stadium! Let the angry innocent fans deal with him in the parking lot! I know this sounds unfair to the rest of the fans, but I have been informed by Mrs. Daver that my idea of physical assault on the perpetrator would land me in the Arlington jail. I wouldn’t last long in jail. My sarcastic ways would get me hurt in a hurry.

Next time you go to a game of any sort, please be considerate and park within the lines, use some sense when locating your seat, keep your mouth shut if you don’t know what is happening, and remain seated unless something exciting happens that requires a cheer. For those who don’t know much about sports, the exciting moments are when everyone else stands up and screams!

If everyone would just follow these simple rules, we will all have a good time, the world will be a better place, and Daver won’t blow a blood vessel!

Go Rangers!

Now for the scary part – ALL of these people, including the world-class idiot behind me have the right to vote in an election, and their vote counts just as much as yours and mine. I just pray that there are enough educated voters to cancel out their ill-informed votes!

Daver The Raver

The Magic of “Because I Said So!”

By Daver the Raver

COPPELL – Do you remember when you were growing up and arguing with friends, enemies, siblings, fence posts, etc. and you ran out of things to say? Or maybe when you had no good answer for your position? Inevitably, didn’t we all end up saying the same thing at some point? “Because I Said So! THERE!! Nyah, Nyah, Nyah!” (This, of course, was usually accompanied by the childish sticking-out-of-the-tongue, which is not so effective when you are in your 40s and facilitating a business meeting.)

I am particularly interested in this practice because our elected leaders are engaging in the same practices on a daily basis. They are, however, being sneaky bastards about it. The method of choice here is stealth brainwashing. No, this is not a conspiracy theory emerging here; it is just my observation on how gullible the American public happens to be.

To get your way politically in the 21st century, you simply have to say something enough times until it becomes the truth. Got that? Say something enough times until it becomes the truth. Say something enough times until it becomes the truth. Let’s see how this works with a look back of the election – how many times did you hear that George W. wrecked the economy? I have yet to hear any credible evidence that he did it. While I am not an economics expert, I do understand that the economy is one big-ass complicated mechanism that cannot be fully explained without using the word “cluster”. George W. did not wreck the economy! Did he help wreck it? Probably. Did Bill Clinton help wreck it? Probably. How about George H.W. Bush? Reagan? Carter? Probably, probably, and most definitely.

Here’s a news flash for you – President Obama can’t fix the damn thing either! Of course, it is my understanding from the rhetoric during his campaign that he can. Yes, We Can!!! Woohoo!!!! I also understand that he is going to get us all jobs, pay off the debt, prove that the moon is indeed made of green cheese, bat .400 this season, restore America to be the pride of the world, and win America’s Next Top Model while taking down Kobe Bryant in a game of 21. Yes, We Can!!

Make enough insane statements often enough and they become true! Remember the love fest on January 20th? The American lemmings, I mean public, will believe anything. (Quick aside – is the American political system just one big lather, rinse, repeat?)

Case in point – the administration is currently ram-rodding the Employee Free Choice Act (EFCA). We are being told that it will improve employee rights in the workplace by making it easier to unionize. What it really is when you look at it is an act setting the government up to get all up in small business’ bidness. Little things like dictating working conditions, wages, bennies, etc. The spin-meisters in DC don’t ever tell you that part. All we hear is “Employee Free Choice”, “Employee Free Choice”, “Employee Free Choice.” Hell yeah, give us a “free” choice!!! I’ll take two!

A Gallup poll last week revealed that 53% of American are in favor of the EFCA. Break it down by party affiliation and find that 70% of Dems are in favor, 34% of Reps, and 52% of Independents. Now the scary part – when asked how closely they follow the bill, 26% said “not very closely” and 39% said “NOT AT ALL.”

Of those who said that they did not follow the bill at all, 58% are in favor of it. These idiots should be forbidden to breed! How can you be in favor of something you know nothing about? AAAAGGGHHH!!! I know… Listen to Obama the Builder. He obvious knows better than you do. He has the answers – he said so – and he went on Leno – we like him – he speaks well and can properly pronounce the word nuclear. I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy.

Say it enough times and make it true. Big government is good, I didn’t need that much of my paycheck anyway. My children, grand-children, and great grand-children can afford to pay for the AIG bail-out.

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t dislike President Obama and I certainly want him to succeed. He is a very likable guy. He has some good ideas – not all are good, but no one has all good ideas. I don’t particularly care for his tactics and plans, and quite frankly some of it scares the crap out of me! This is exactly why we have a system of checks and balances in our government.

Oh wait, our checks and balances are in bed with each other – and we’re the ones getting screwed.

God help us!

He’s Back!

An all new contribution by Daver the Raver

Wow! The Global Exclaimer and Daver. Long time, no rant.

(Daver the Raver is a long time associate and contributor to The Glob with a style uniquely his own. Enjoy. -fb)

It has been several years since I have taken the time to blow off steam and let loose with some world-class sarcasm and self-amusing wit. During that time, I have observed the Global Exclaimer take on many forms, and have sat by placidly watching while many rant-worthy topics have crossed my psyche. I can be silent no longer.

WTF is going on with our new President? I don’t understand his reasoning behind changing EVERYTHING he can get his liberal, socialist brain latched onto. Perhaps his goal is to throw what can only be described as a crap-load of money into changing EVERYTHING that existed prior to January 20, 2009. Get ready to live in the United States of Oprah!

Travel with me back to the famous “Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country” line issued by John F. Kennedy. What a tremendous impact that statement had on the country, not only in 1960, but for decades. Contrast that line with the general attitude in this country since our Commander-in-Chief raped the American people by signing the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. He might as well have stood at the podium and announced “Ask not what you can do for country, but ask who is going to save your sorry ass from your own bad decisions.”

What did you expect from a man who campaign rally cry was stolen from Bob the Builder? Yes, we can! Yes, we can my ass!

The next wacko I hear ask “Where’s my bailout?” has a high percentage of meeting God. I am sick to death of people wanting freebies! AAAAGGGHHH!!! Here’s an idea – don’t buy what you can’t afford! We have financial rules at the house of Daver; we buy what we need, and some of what we want. We did not buy a big-ass house we couldn’t afford. (Aside: Did anyone seriously think they could afford a house worth 400 large with a job that requires them to ask if the customer wants a “refreshing beverage”?) We have one car payment at a time. We only eat out once a week. We do not run up credit card balances. If we can’t afford it, we DON”T BUY IT!

The net result of these rules? We have all we need and some of what we want. We have money in the bank. If my CFO (Mrs. Daver) or I lose our jobs, we can last for quite a while without going on the government handout program. In my case, I am thankful for this fact. I am surprised every day that my employer is still in business. (Picture the Titanic after hitting the iceberg.) Guess what, it sucks that my employer is on shaky ground. It is not the job of the United States government to find me a better job!

If I were in charge, and I should be, I would not give bailout money to anyone or any company. That is like giving a hungry, screaming baby a pacifier instead of a bottle. It shuts him up for a while not solving the problem and creates more dependence on the provider. Either way, it SUCKS! Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions. Grow a pair!

For all you hard-working readers of the Global Exclaimer – be prepared to lose more of your hard earned money as the Obama machine decides that your income is needed to help others with their head up their own ass.

For those who voted for him – I hope you are happy. You got what you wanted!

Don’t even get me started on that freak Nancy Pelosi…

God help us all.